Firsts.

Firsts are special. First kiss. Richard Dukes circa 1977 after sharing a sweet delicious red apple. First "real" date. Steve Nivin, center of high school football team, circa 1983. The fact that he was the center of the football team is important because it was a Sadie Hawkins dance, and I had to foot the bill, including the pre-dance meal. If I had to do it over again, I would have asked someone from math club. First job. Minyards Grocery Store cashier circa 1983. This was a big transition time in the grocery store business going from manual push button to scanners. I was on the cutting edge of the new technology. The only thing better was the polyester forest green (with pumpkin orange piping no less )pantsuit I got to wear. What a fashion plate I was. First car. 1981 Ford Mustang. Best thing about it was the $96.14 car payment I had every month. Worst thing was everything else. What a piece. My last memory of the car was when I tried to abandon it on the North Dallas Tollway on my way to South Dallas to open up a new grocery store. It was a typical horrific Dallas summer with the temperature over 100 degrees, and my car breaks down on the toll road. I walked to the nearest gas station to get help (pre cell phone era) which was a few miles from where the car broke down. Oh, did I tell you? I was wearing my work outfit - my green polyester pantsuit. On my way, a group of men begin to chase me making cat calls after exiting a bus. I was scared and humiliated. I ended up near the airport and called my mom sobbing. She settled me down, picked me up but REFUSED to allow me abandon my car on the toll road so we called a tow truck.

So, this brings me to my most important first of all. First time being a parent. February 29, 2008. I don't feel like a parent yet because I really haven't done anything for Abby. She has been cared for by others since her birth. While I am totally in love with her, you have to physically be there to be a parent. But, visiting her next month counts. It is my "trial run" so to speak. While I have never looked more forward to anything in my life, I have the normal first time mom jitters. They are oozing out of every pore of my body. I have had a lot of experience with children and I am emotionally ready, but it is just different when you are IT. The primary caregiver, the one who has to discern the hungry cries from the sleepy cries from the cries for absolutely no reason whatsover. My main focus will be to bond as much as possible with Abby, but I a freaking out about making sure I will be able to meet her basic needs for the several days she is in my care! I did have a great chat with a woman yesterday who is a little further along in her adoption process but had visited her son in Guatemala a month ago. She gave me a lot of helpful tips including where the Guatemalan Walmart was where I could stock up on the basics (thanks, Gretchen). I think the prospect of doing all this for the first time in a foreign country already out of my comfort zone has added to the normal anxiety. I know I will do an adequate job, and with my mom to help, it should be OK. Thankfully, only my mom will see how I navigate through everything in my first few days of parenting. Maybe one day, 16+ years in the future, I'll be picking up Abby after her car breaks down, but I can tell you one thing..she won't ever have to wear a green polyester pant suit with orange piping! No kid should have to suffer that fate!

Where am I now in the process? Well, I have been in PGN for 5 weeks now. PGN typically kicks out almost 75% of cases. My agency prepared me for the reality, so I fully expect to be kicked out which then starts the review cycle in PGN over. It is customary to get kicked out sometime after 4-6 weeks in, and my caseworker confirmed yesterday that PGN has been kicking out ALL single applicants. So, I fully expect I will be no different. Singles can adopt under the old laws, and when they kick you out, they usually find something minor in your file that your attorney can easily correct. I hope to hear soon. Of course I don't want to be kicked out at all, but if I do, the sooner the issue can be corrected and I can get back in on the reviewer's desk. Some cases have multiple kickouts (previos). I am just hoping for the best.